So you had a steamy hookup with a friend. The chemistry was off the charts, and you’re both interested in repeating the experience.
But neither of you wants to leap into a serious committed relationship. You want to keep things light, casual, and fun – friends with benefits.
Great, right?
Well, not so fast. As amazing as the idea of no-strings-attached sex with a buddy sounds, these arrangements can get messy if you’re not on the same page.
The last thing you want is for someone to get their heart broken because blurry boundaries and assumptions run amok.
So how do you initiate the critical “define the relationship” talk without killing the mood or making things awkward? I’ve got you covered.
Communication Is Key
Before we dive in, let’s get one thing straight: clear, open communication is absolutely essential for any friends-with-benefits situation to work. I cannot stress this enough.
Assuming you’re both mind-readers is a recipe for disaster. You need to explicitly state your wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries.
I know, I know – it feels super unsexy and uncomfortable to talk this stuff through. You don’t want to feel like you’re drawing up some sterile business contract.
But think of it this way: wouldn’t you rather have one slightly awkward conversation upfront versus really REALLY awkward conversations down the line when someone catches feelings or gets confused about what this is?
Exactly. Have the talk now so you can avoid thorny situations later.
Initiate the Talk
Okay, communication is critical. But how exactly do you get the ball rolling to have this all-important define-the-relationship chat?
First, don’t let fear hold you back. Rejection is always a risk when putting yourself out there. But you’ll never get what you want if you don’t ask. And isn’t great sex something worth asking for?
When initiating the talk, be direct but relaxed. Don’t abruptly blurt out “I don’t want a relationship!” Makes it seem like you’re terrified of commitment or him.
Instead, when you’re hanging out together (fully clothed, not post-coitus), say something like:
“So that hookup on Valentine’s Day was pretty hot. I really enjoyed being with you, but just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I like you a lot as a friend, but I’m not looking for something serious romantically. I’m happy to keep things casual and fun, though. What do you think about that?”
Boom. Direct, but friendly and open-ended. The ball is now in his court.
Define Your Boundaries
If he indicates he’s down for something casual too, don’t just leave it at that. Now is the time to explicitly define what this casual relationship means to each of you. The more details you can both share, the better.
To get him to open up, ask questions like:
- Are you interested in hooking up more in the future, or was this a one-time thing?
- What do you expect in terms of communication between meetups? Texting every day? Only to initiate the next booty call?
- Are you comfortable keeping things discreet between us, or are you going to tell your friends about this?
- What specific activities or sex acts are you into or not into?
- How often do you want to hang out? Once a week? Twice a month?
- Are sleepovers okay or should we not spend the whole night together?
- Can either of us see other people, or do we want to be exclusive?
See what I mean? The more granular you get, the less chance there is for confusion and hurt feelings. Get everything above board as early as possible.
Anticipate Awkwardness
Of course, hashing out the nitty-gritty details of your sex life will feel uncomfortable. Let’s be real. Discussing things like sleepover policies and how often your FWB can text you is quite weird.
But push past that feeling, because the temporary awkwardness will be so worth it. Keep your eyes on the prize – amazing, drama-free sex with your buddy!
If you feel like the conversation is getting cringy, just joke about it. Say something like:
“I know talking through all of this stuff feels so unsexy. I feel like I’m back in health class! But I really think figuring this out now will make this so much more fun.”
Humor helps take the edge off.
Revisit the Talk
Okay, you’ve had the define-the-relationship talk. You’re happily getting busy on the regular with your pal. Can you just coast off into the sexy sunset now?
Not quite. Having the initial DTR chat is crucial, but it can’t just be a one-and-done thing. You need to check back in with each other periodically to make sure you’re both still content with the arrangement as is.
People’s feelings change. Someone who was totally on board with a casual thing at first might later decide they want more from the relationship.
That’s why you’ve got to keep communication OPEN:
O – Make sure you create a safe, non-judgmental environment where you can both be honest about your evolving needs.
P – Don’t make assumptions. Actually, talk to your partner about what’s working for them currently and if any boundaries need to change.
E – If there’s ever any tension or weirdness, hash it out right away. Don’t let little issues fester.
N – Be willing to listen if your partner does want to take things in a more serious direction. Have an open mind.
Basically, check in every month or two with questions like:
- How are you feeling about our arrangement these days? Still, enjoying it?
- Are there any things you’d like to be doing more or less?
- Have any of your priorities shifted in terms of what you want from me?
Regular temperature checks ensure resentment doesn’t build and you can both adapt accordingly.
You Can’t Control Feelings
Alright, real talk here. Even if you spell everything out super clearly upfront and continue checking in frequently…there’s still a chance someone could catch real feels.
You may worry you’re sending mixed signals. But remember – you can’t fully control how another person interprets things or what emotions develop within them.
For example, you mention worrying that your FWB might catch feelings just because you cuddled post-sex. But cuddling doesn’t necessarily equal romance! You were leaning into what felt good in the moment, not making covert promises.
Beyond stating your boundaries honestly and plainly, how your partner ultimately responds is out of your hands.
If after all your open communication they still confess mushy feelings…it may be time to re-evaluate the arrangement. Because continuing to hook up will likely just lead to more heartbreak.
But cross that bridge if you come to it. You’ve done your due diligence in expressing what you want clearly. So try not to stress about things possibly going sideways. Just focus on setting those healthy boundaries!
In Closing
Starting a friends-with-benefits relationship with an existing buddy? Proceed with care! Make sure you have explicit conversations upfront to avoid assumptions. Define what you want and don’t want. Check-in periodically to ensure needs are still being met. And don’t feel guilty for their feelings. You can only control yourself.
Keep communication open, judgment-free, and honest at every step and you’ll both have the mutually fulfilling fun connections you crave! Now get out there and get it on with your friend, you sexy beast!
