We all remember the high school bullies. Those aggressive, confrontational kids seemed to get a thrill out of tormenting others.
Unfortunately, bullying is a far too common occurrence, with about 20% of students aged 12-18 reporting being bullied at school.
What happens when one of those former bullies grows up and starts dating? Is their past behavior a relationship red flag?
This is a nuanced issue that requires careful evaluation. While bullying behavior can signal some deeper issues, people also have the capacity for growth and change.
Let’s dig into the implications and have an open conversation about this delicate topic.
The Troubling Implications of Past Bullying
Bullying stems from a desire to exert control and dominance over another person. Bullies intentionally inflict physical, emotional, or psychological harm, like:
- Physical violence or threats
- Verbal taunts and name-calling
- Humiliation and social isolation
- Spreading rumors and manipulation
This behavior likely gives you pause about their capacity for empathy and consideration of others’ feelings. Studies have found troubling implications connected to bullying:
- Lack of empathy – Bullies often exhibit callous, uncaring attitudes and lack remorse for inflicting pain. A 2017 study in the Journal of Early Adolescence found many bullies display callous-unemotional traits.
- Poor emotional regulation – Bullies tend to have difficulty controlling anger and aggressive impulses. They lash out violently with little restraint.
- Low self-esteem – Some research indicates childhood bullying may be an attempt to feel powerful when struggling with poor self-worth. But putting others down doesn’t resolve inner turmoil.
- Future aggression – Bullying can be an early warning sign for anti-social personality disorder or psychopathic tendencies. Former bullies have higher rates of domestic abuse, substance addiction, and criminal behavior as adults.
However, people have the capacity to change. One 2005 study found most adolescent bullies do actually stop bullying as they mature. But in some, these patterns persist. Tread cautiously if someone you’re dating was aggressive and contemptuous towards others in their past.
Evaluating Who Your Partner Is Today
The most critical factor is who your partner is now as an adult. Have they made efforts to change and show remorse for their harmful actions?
Signs of sincere growth include:
- Apologizing to victims – Reaching out to those they hurt demonstrates accountability and empathy.
- Making amends – Trying to remedy the pain they caused shows maturity. For example, one former bully organized an anti-bullying fundraiser.
- Acknowledging harm – Do they admit to the severity of their past bullying without excuses? This is an important step.
Or are there red flags like:
- Minimizing bullying – Do they laugh off or gloss over their harmful behavior? This may indicate they still lack remorse.
- Anger issues – Outbursts of rage over small matters can signal poor emotional control.
- Lack of accountability – Do they blame their behavior on others or avoid responsibility? That’s a warning sign.
- Manipulation – Pay close attention to any attempts to isolate you from friends and family. This reveals they still relate to others poorly.
You deserve compassion and respect from a partner. Be vigilant for any abusive dynamics. Intolerable behavior includes:
- Belittling and name-calling – Partners should build you up, not tear you down.
- Violence or threats – Any type of physical aggression is unacceptable, period.
- Gaslighting – Partners questioning your sanity or memories is manipulation.
- Jealous control – Controlling friendships, clothing choices, or other decisions is unhealthy.
Have an Open Conversation
To better understand your partner’s past and present perspectives, have a calm, non-judgmental dialogue focused on building trust and empathy.
Pick a quiet time when you can talk openly without interruption. Gently explain you were troubled to learn about their bullying, and would like to understand more to deepen your intimacy. Avoid attacking or shaming them as they open up.
Ask thoughtful questions to encourage reflection:
- When did you bully others and for how long?
- Who was impacted by your actions?
- Why do you think you did this at the time?
- Do you feel you’ve changed since then? How so?
Discuss ways they have attempted to make amends, like apologies or changed behavior. Share honestly how their past makes you feel, and what they could do to help you feel safe and valued in the relationship going forward.
This open vulnerability can lead to mutual growth and bonding. But be wary of defensiveness, excuses or an unwillingness to show accountability. Those responses may indicate they haven’t truly changed.
Carefully Consider Your Next Steps
Learning about a partner’s bullying past often requires time to process the implications. Reflect on whether their remorse and personal evolution seem sincere.
Think carefully about any ongoing concerns. For example, does their temper still flare up occasionally? Do they struggle to empathize with waiters or others? Subtle flags can be enlightening.
Take an honest look at your relationship’s healthy dynamics versus troubling patterns. Do they validate you and make you feel secure? Or do find yourself constantly on edge or walking on eggshells?
Be ready to remove yourself from the situation if any behavior feels dangerous or disrespectful. Don’t ignore signs they still relate aggressively or dismissively to you or others. Your safety comes first.
Listen to Your Instincts
Ultimately, trust your gut feelings about this person and relationship. Our intuition picks up on subtle red flags we may overlook.
If you find yourself feeling confused, uneasy, or afraid given their past bullying and current behavior, believe those instincts. Don’t rationalize or downplay concerns that continue bothering you.
You always have the right to exit any relationship for any reason. Don’t stay with someone you feel is untrustworthy or aggressive out of obligation. And never tolerate any form of intimidation or abuse. You deserve better.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and family you trust if you do break ties with this person. They can provide perspective and keep you safe if any threatening behavior occurs post-breakup. There are people out there who will love you in healthy ways.
The Takeaway
Discovering a partner’s history of bullying can be alarming and raise justifiable concerns. While people have the capacity for growth, bullying often signals issues with empathy, restraint, and respect that can continue into adulthood.
Have open conversations to understand their current mindset and values. But do not ignore red flags or behaviors that violate your right to feel safe and cared for in the relationship. Listen to your inner guidance. Prioritize walking away if this person makes you feel scared or unworthy in any way. You deserve security, comfort, and compassion from a partner.
