Imagine you could make anyone do anything you want. Wouldn’t that be amazing? You could get your crush to fall in love with you, your boss to give you a raise, or your friend to apologize for hurting you.
Sounds like a dream come true, right? Well, not quite. The truth is, you can’t control other people’s actions, no matter how much you wish for it.
They have their own minds, their own desires, and their own reasons for doing what they do. Sometimes, those reasons are in conflict with yours, and that’s when things get messy. This is the core problem of wish fulfillment: how to deal with the gap between what we want and what we get from others.
In this article, we’ll explore the psychology behind this phenomenon and how to cope with it in a healthy way.
The Hidden Motivations of Others
When we first encounter someone new, whether platonically or romantically, both parties likely experience some alignment of desires that compels them to interact or form a bond. Jim wishes for companionship; Sue also wishes for companionship. Their mutual desire brings them together.
But as Jim and Sue continue getting to know one another, layers of differences emerge. Perhaps Jim wishes for an intense, committed relationship, while Sue desires more casual companionship. Or Jim longs for thrilling adventures every weekend, and Sue craves quiet nights at home with a book. Mismatched desires like these, large or small, can strain even the most promising connections.
We often fail to recognize just how independently others’ motivations operate from our own. Within every person lies a complex inner world we can never fully know – shaped by upbringing, personality, past experiences, shifting needs, and more. Their desires flow from this hidden realm.
Psychologists explain that a huge diversity of genetic predispositions, values, interests, fears, and goals inhabit each of our psyches. This guarantees widespread variation in individual wants and purposes. Expecting close alignment with the yearnings of friends, partners, or family is unrealistic given our fundamentally unique natures.
Clashing Goals Create Disconnection
Problems arise when we assume or demand that significant people in our lives want the same outcomes we do. Relationship guru Esther Perel describes this as “the expectation that one person can be everything.”
We erroneously believe a partner or friend should instinctively know and fulfill our needs, obsessed with the notion that “we should be able to perfectly understand and care for each other.”
In reality, the wants and needs of even very close companions will never fully overlap. Subconsciously, we all carry childhood attachment patterns, sensitivities, and emotional habits that leave us out of sync. And in adult life, vastly different formative experiences further distinguish our desires.
So how do clashing interpersonal desires lead to disappointment?
- Jim wishes Anna would plan more quality time together, but she is focused on work demands and self-care.
- Lena hopes her husband Mark will take a more active parenting role, but he is immersed in his own hobbies and friendships.
- Enrique dreams his sister would offer more emotional support during difficult times, but she battles her own challenges.
When interactions like these replay over time, relationships degrade from misunderstanding and unmet expectations. We inaccurately assume loved ones “should” intuit and satisfy our unspoken needs, forgetting they simply aren’t wired the same.
The truth? Caring deeply for someone does not morph you into a psychic desire-syncing machine. We must openly communicate our wishes to have any hope of fulfillment.
Bridge the Desire Gap through Vulnerability
Pure heart-to-heart sharing is the only way to surface conflicting interpersonal desires and work through them. But first, we need absolute honesty with ourselves. Ask:
- What hopes or needs do I have involving this person?
- How have they gone unmet?
- What desires might my friend/partner hold that differ from mine?
Next comes the courageous act of expressing your wishes gently and openly to the other party. Yes, it feels risky being vulnerable about needs not being satisfied. But the alternative is quietly suffering the painful void when hopes go unrealized.
While divulging your desires, also aim to draw out those of the other person. Listen without judgment and offer empathy when you hear where they are coming from. Recognize that differing motivations don’t imply a lack of caring – they simply reflect the diversity of our inner worlds.
From this space of mutual understanding, collaborate on finding realistic compromises. Jim agrees to plan regular date nights if Anna schedules focused quality time. Lena cares for the kids on Saturday if Mark takes over on Sunday. Enrique knows his sister can’t always offer support but asks that she simply listen.
When both parties reveal their true desires, they can bridge the gaps between them. Shared understanding defuses resentment over unmet expectations. And creative compromises align wishes to nourish, not negate, the relationship.
Wish Upon Yourself First
We cannot force someone else’s desires to align with our own. The healthiest approach is to:
- Focus first on identifying and fulfilling our own needs, independent of others. Counselor Nedra Glover suggests, “Work on self-care and self-fulfillment first before you expect others to fulfill your needs and desires.”
- Then communicate wants openly, listen deeply to understand others’ motivations, and compromise creatively where you can.
- If major rifts persist after sincere efforts from both sides, reflect on whether the relationship may need redefining or releasing.
As the poet Rumi wrote, “Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” When we passionately pursue our own fulfillment while also honoring the diverse desires of others, extraordinary outcomes emerge.
So next time someone fails to meet your wishes, remember: they aren’t failing you. Rather, a natural clash of competing desires exists. How we choose to understand and bridge this gap makes all the difference in realizing mutual understanding and fulfillment.
