You’re up late swiping left and right as usual, when an intriguing hottie appears on your screen. You perk right up to analyze their potential.
But as you check out their pics, you notice a mysterious acronym you’ve never seen before: ENM. “Hmm, ENM?” you scratch your head in confusion. “WTF does ENM stand for?”
Before angrily left-swiping them into oblivion for not speaking plain English, take a breather. This guide will shed some light on what ethical non-monogamy means on Tinder and other dating apps. Speaking from personal experience, it’s way more fascinating than you might assume!
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
ENM stands for “ethical non-monogamy.” Essentially, ethical non-monogamy refers to any intimate relationship that is not completely exclusive between two partners. People in ENM relationships openly agree to have more than one romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationship at the same time.
The “ethical” part is key – all partners are aware of and consent to each other having additional partners outside of the primary relationship. There is open communication, trust, honesty, and respect at the core of these connections.
ENM relationships come in many forms, configurations, and combinations. There can be varying numbers of partners, types of intimacy, involvement of sexual activity, romantic feelings, etc. The main thing all ethical non-monogamous setups have in common is that they depart from the traditionally accepted “monogamous relationship.”
Why Do People Choose ENM Relationships?
There are many reasons why someone may prefer to be in an ENM relationship, including:
- They want deeper connections with multiple people in their life
- They do not feel capable of having all their emotional, physical, and sexual needs met by one person
- They enjoy the excitement and passion that comes with new relationships
- They want to have intimate connections without limiting their partner or feeling limited themselves
- They have a non-possessive view of intimacy and do not require sexual or romantic exclusivity to feel safe, secure, or valued in their relationships
The motivations are unique for every individual or couple that chooses ethical non-monogamy. The unifying principle is that ENM aligns better with their personal philosophies on love, sex, intimacy, and what they want from interpersonal relationships.
Isn’t ENM Just Another Word for Cheating?
Absolutely not! Cheating involves deception, secrecy, and breaking commitments or agreements made with a partner. Ethical non-monogamy is the exact opposite – it necessitates radical honesty, transparency, and obtaining full consent from everyone involved.
The “ethical” component is integral because all parties are willfully choosing this lifestyle with eyes wide open. They have mutually agreed-upon guidelines, boundaries, and communication practices to ensure everyone’s needs are respected.
Ultimately, ethics demand that no one is being betrayed, misled, or disrespected. There must be thoughtful, conscious evaluation of each person’s limitations and boundaries before pursuing intimate encounters outside of the primary partnership.
Types of Ethical Non-Monogamy
ENM is an umbrella term that encompasses various types of consensual non-exclusive relationships. The specific “flavor” depends on each person’s particular wants, needs, and boundaries. Some examples include:
Polyamory
Polyamory involves openly being romantically involved with and loving more than one partner at the same time. Beyond sex, there are deep emotional connections and commitments between multiple people simultaneously.
Partners may view each other as primary or secondary connections depending on the depth of attachment, though many polyamorous people reject hierarchy altogether. The number of partners can vary drastically from person to person.
Open Relationships
Open relationships typically refer to couples who remain emotionally monogamous but agree to have sexual encounters with other people. The commitment and priority lies with the primary partner, while additional partners provide recreational arousal purely outside that main bond.
Swinging
Swinging involves couples consensually engaging in sexual activities with people outside of their primary partnership. Swinging usually happens in the context of parties, events, or designated online communities.
Soft swinging limits engagement to soft play like kissing or touching while hard swinging may involve full sexual intercourse with additional partners. Some swingers swap partners while others play only with their own primary partner alongside other couples/singles.
Relationship Anarchy
Relationship anarchy represents one of the more radical ENM philosophies. It eschews all conventions, norms, and assumptions around intimate connections. There is an intentional undoing of traditionally accepted relationship constructs and labels.
In this framework, each bond forms organically based purely on the specific needs and desires of the people involved. Relationship anarchists do not recognize predefined rules about how they “should” feel or act with particular partners. They do not subscribe to limitations around gender norms, sexuality, number of partners, hierarchy of attachments, etc.
The uniqueness of each connection determines guidelines, expectations, commitments made, etc. Relationship anarchy takes an entirely flexible, creative approach for each partnership separately.
Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory means actively pursuing multiple romantic/sexual relationships completely independent of a primary partner. A solo poly person may have several intimate connections at varying levels of intensity, none of which involve cohabitation, legal union through marriage, or merging of financial responsibilities.
Prioritizing autonomy, independence, and sometimes intentionally temporary bonds, solo poly folks still engage ethically with honesty about their lifestyle and commitments to each partner from the start. This framework puts emphasis on cultivating relationships that serve personal growth.
What Are the Benefits of ENM Relationships?
Assuming everyone involved practices ethical non-monogamy in a transparent, compassionate way, there are many potential upsides, including:
More Fulfilling Sexual Exploration
Monogamy inherently limits sexual experiences to a single partner. ENM arrangements allow more freedom to intimately connect and experiment with different people. This leads to a wider breadth of sexual expression, excitement, and satisfaction for all parties engaging consensually.
Personal Growth
Fundamentally questioning societal defaults around love and intimacy takes courage and forces self-examination of deep-seated assumptions. Exploring relationships through an ENM lens can accelerate personal development and mindfulness.
Richer Social Connections
Developing intimate bonds with multiple trusted partners enables more vulnerability, support, and opportunities for growth. ENM communities talk openly about topics considered taboo in mainstream circles allowing for deeper empathetic ties.
Customized Partnerships
Since ethical non-monogamy rejects a “one-size-fits-all” approach, each relationship can adapt to the specific needs of the people involved. Rather than forcing square pegs into round holes, every connection gets tailored to suit each partner.
More Trust & Honesty
The radical transparency inherent to ENM strengthens trusting bonds between partners who reveal themselves emotionally and sexually. Vulnerability breaks down barriers leading to more authentic intimacy.
What Are the Potential Pitfalls of ENM Relationships?
Of course, just like any intimate relationship framework, ethical non-monogamy comes with a few common struggles partners should look out for, including:
Jealousy & Envy
Even partners 100% onboard with ENM may still wrestle with jealousy over a loved one spending time or being affectionate with someone else. Compersion (finding joy in your partner’s other romantic connections) is the goal but is not always easily achieved in practice.
Scheduling Challenges
With everyone juggling multiple partners, time limitations can stress ENM relationships. Balancing everyone’s needs takes organization, priority management, communicating conflicts, and occasionally compromising if schedules overload.
Barrier Miscommunications
Assumptions get made, signals get mixed up, and boundaries get pushed. Misalignment and mismatched expectations/needs between partners require quick addressing to avoid real wounds.
STIs & Safety Concerns
Ethically non-monogamous people take sexual health extremely seriously, but with multiple intimate partners comes increased STI risks requiring vigilant prevention practices by all parties.
Social Stigma
While becoming more openly talked about, ethical non-monogamy still gets painted negatively by mainstream culture leading to judgment, shaming, discrimination, etc. Internalized shame also manifests for some ENM folks.
Why Do People Put ENM on Their Tinder Profiles?
Seeing “ENM” on a dating app like Tinder signals upfront that someone already has an intimate partner but remains open to making other connections under certain parameters. This transparency allows potential matches to decide if they feel comfortable pursuing something casual or secondary with that person.
Proactively advertising their non-monogamous status saves everyone wasted time and emotional investment. No one gets blindsided by the information down the line or feels deceived if commitments get clarified as incompatible later.
Instead, the ENM label fosters authentic, low-pressure dating grounded in ethical integrity. Both parties enjoy clarity from the start about what types of relationships or experiences feel aligned.
Making ENM Work Long-Term
Here are some tips for making an ethical non-monogamous relationship work successfully over many years:
- Check-in often – Have ongoing candid conversations about needs, boundaries, and struggles.
- Work on intimacy skills – Build trust through vulnerability, and communicate lovingly during conflicts.
- Respect each partner uniquely – Do not force anyone into boxes, assumptions, or comparisons.
- Celebrate compersion often – Verbally appreciate your partner’s other connections.
- Never stop dating all partners – Invest in quality time, thoughtful gestures, and romance.
- Adapt to life changes quickly – Reassess boundaries as circumstances evolve.
- Allow each other autonomy – Foster independence and personal growth.
- Maintain unconditional love & support – When crises hit, stick together.
- Hold yourselves accountable – Admit faults quickly, and respectfully call out issues.
- Remember why you opened up – Reconnect to core motivations during tough times.
In Closing: Key Takeaways About ENM
So in summary, here are the key points to understand about ethical non-monogamy:
- It involves transparently agreeing to openly intimate relationships beyond a primary partner
- All partners actively consent and establish collective boundaries
- Unique relationship combinations get customized to needs and desires
- Partners do emotional work to counter jealousy/envy challenges
- Communication, self-awareness, and prioritizing personal growth are must
- Putting ENM on a dating profile filters for matches accepting non-monogamy
- Takes ongoing effort but can allow more fulfilling, evolving relationships long-term
Hopefully, this breakdown demystifies what it typically means when people advertise themselves as “ENM” on dating sites or refer to their relationships as such.
What other burning questions might you have around ethical relating dynamics brought up on apps? Let me know because I’m happy to address anything else lingering! Here’s to discovering more consenting connections all around 🥂
