Relationships are complex. We all enter them with different expectations, backgrounds, and ways of viewing the world. Often, we want our partners to conform to our ideals – but is that always the healthiest approach?
Of course not, you should love your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.
This article delves into the common relationship conflicts that arise around trying to “improve” or “educate” our partners. We’ll explore more constructive ways to handle differences and build stronger bonds rooted in understanding.
The Urge to “Fix” Our Partners
It’s natural to enter a relationship hoping your partner will grow in positive ways. However, there’s a difference between supporting growth versus trying to fundamentally change someone’s core personality or values.
Many of us fall into the trap of seeing our partner’s flaws as things that need to be erased or corrected through our obsessive coaching. We start to view them more as projects in need of remodeling rather than complete human beings.
This urge to “fix” our partners usually stems from a mismatch between who we expected them to be and who they genuinely are. We get attached to an ideal partner we constructed in our heads – and then feel compelled to mold our real partner into that imaginary mold.
The psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term “unconditional positive regard” – which refers to accepting your partner (and people in general) without judgment or the need to change them. It involves relating to your partner’s authentic self.
When we fail to embrace unconditional positive regard, problems arise. Let’s look at some of the unhealthy dynamics that can emerge when we try to re-educate our partners:
1. Acting From a Place of Superiority
Attempting to fundamentally change your partner’s personality or deeply held perspectives implies you consider your way of thinking as superior. This creates an unhealthy power dynamic – you take the role of the “expert” trying to “fix” your partner’s flawed ways of seeing the world.
This superiority complex damages open communication. Your partner will feel reluctant to share their true feelings and perspectives if those aspects of themselves are under attack.
2. Losing Sight of Your Partner’s Autonomy
When you make it your mission to reshape your partner, you start to relate to them more like an object than a human being. Rather than respecting their autonomy, you impose your will and vision upon them.
This mentality ignores the fact that your partner is a self-directed adult with their own needs and desires. Your partner’s life does not belong to you – it belongs to them.
3. Confusing Change With Growth
There’s a difference between supporting your partner’s personal growth versus forcing external changes upon them. Growth comes from within when someone chooses to cultivate new skills or perspectives for their own enrichment. Change imposed from the outside doesn’t fuel the same meaningful transformation.
So pushing your own agenda for how your partner “should” evolve often backfires. Only they can decide how they want to grow based on what matters most to their life.
4. Rejecting Your Partner’s Complete Self
When you try to mold your partner into an idealized vision, you reject the beautiful totality of who they are. You selectively praise only the parts of them aligned with your preferences – while expressing disappointment or frustration about the aspects that don’t conform.
This selective acceptance prevents your partner from feeling genuinely seen, heard, and valued. They end up hiding parts of themselves in order to gain your approval and conditional love.
5. Equating Difference With Deficiency
Our partners will inevitably have different worldviews, communication styles, emotional needs, and more. But diversity doesn’t need to signify discord or deficiency. In fact, Psychological research shows that difference often strengthens bonds when partners embrace it.
When you pressure your partner to align more closely with your way of thinking and being, you convey that differences mean something is wrong or needs to change. This indirectly fuels disconnection.
Now that we’ve explored some of the unhealthy dynamics that can emerge when we try to “fix” our partners, let’s look at healthier ways to navigate differences and disagreements in relationships.
Cultivating Acceptance and Understanding
Here are 5 tips for relating to your partner from a place of flexible acceptance rather than rigid conditioning:
1. Release Attachments to “How Your Partner Should Be”
The first step is to become aware of any idealized notions you hold about who your partner is supposed to become under your guidance. Where are you fused to a vision of them that doesn’t align with their authentic personality and values?
By releasing attachment to fixed ideals, you free yourself to get curious about who your partner genuinely is, what they care about, and the reasoning behind their unique quirks. This opens up more constructive communication.
2. Validate Your Partner’s Perspectives
Rather than immediately denying viewpoints that differ from your own, try listening with an open mind. Ask thoughtful questions to better understand your partner’s thought process. Validate that their perspective makes sense given their different background and life experiences.
Phrases like “I appreciate you sharing this with me” or “I can understand where you’re coming from” can go a long way. Your aim is to convey acceptance, even when disagreeing.
3. Focus on Understanding, Not Who’s Right/Wrong
Be willing to have dialogues focused purely on learning about how your partner sees things – without making it about determining right vs wrong. Sometimes the goal is gaining insight into each other, not consensus.
Listen without interruption. Reflect back on what you hear them saying. Ask clarifying questions rather than leaping to judgment. Embrace curiosity over conviction.
4. Appreciate Your Differences
Rather than viewing differences as threats, see them as balancing forces that can enrich your relationship. Perhaps your caution balances out your partner’s spontaneity. Or your eye for detail complements their big-picture thinking.
Discuss how your different personalities, vulnerabilities, and strengths can fit together like beautiful puzzle pieces rather than clashing.
5. Let Your Partner Take the Lead in Their Evolution
Rather than imposing your rigid ideas about how your partner should grow, let them guide their own transformation process. Offer support by listening non-judgmentally, encouraging them to reflect, and brainstorming together. But don’t attach yourself to specific outcomes.
Trust that your partner knows best what changes would help them become their highest self. Your role is compassionate supporter, not backseat driver.
Moving Beyond Control Toward Collaboration
Trying to control your partner usually damages trust and stifles growth. But embracing the following practices can organically nurture positive changes:
Lead by example – Be the change you wish to see. Model the attitudes, communication styles, and behaviors you’d like your partner to adopt.
Make requests, not demands – Politely request changes using “I” statements rather than mandates. “I would appreciate if…” is very different from “You need to…”
Show consistent willingness to grow yourself – Demonstrate that you’re also open to evolving by regularly seeking input from your partner about how you could improve and implement their suggestions.
Discuss goals as a team – Have open dialogues about how each of you would like to grow as individuals and as a couple. Then make aligned plans to support each other in fostering those changes.
When both partners feel respected and heard, they become more willing to cooperate rather than resist. With collaboration fueled by compassion, incredible relationship transformations naturally unfold.
The Freedom To Love Our Partners As They Are
At the end of the day, lasting fulfillment in relationships requires letting go of playing referee or re-educator. We have to release our partner from the burden of meeting all our expectations.
This allows us to show up fully present for who our partner authentically is, not who we want them to become. We grant them the freedom to be themselves, just as we expect them to grant us that same freedom.
Through this unconditional acceptance, our relationships become sanctuaries where both partners feel safe to express their innermost truths. We stop relating out of roles and open up to each other as fellow travelers navigating life’s journey together.
When we embrace our partners with all their beautifully imperfect complexity, it unlocks greater intimacy. We get to fall in love not just with the highlight reel version of someone – but with their wholeness.
