You feel a surge of adrenaline as you lock eyes with him. You exchange witty banter and flirtatious smiles. You feel a magnetic attraction that makes you want to know everything about him.
You’re already convinced he is the one for you, even though you barely know his name.
But are you really falling in love, or are you falling for an illusion?
Many of us are guilty of F.I.B.ing – Filling In Blanks – when we meet someone new. We project our hopes and dreams onto them, ignoring the reality of who they are.
This can set us up for a rude awakening when the truth comes out. F.I.B.ing is a dangerous habit that can ruin your chances of finding lasting happiness.
The Allure of F.I.B.ing
F.I.B.ing feels good in the moment. Our brains release feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin when we fantasize about an exciting new romantic interest. We crave the rush of imagining an ideal future together. It’s an intoxicating illusion – but an illusion nonetheless.
Here are three of the most common ways we tend to F.I.B. when dating someone new:
1. Filling in Personality Gaps
In the early stages of dating, there’s still so much we don’t know about the other person’s character and quirks. Our knowledge is limited, but our imagination runs wild. We fill in the gaps by ascribing our ideal traits to a new partner, from compassion to intelligence to loyalty. We see them as we hope they will be, not as they have proven themselves to be.
2. Filling in Logistical Blanks
New relationships are murky when it comes to defining intentions and the future. To calm our uncertainty, we mentally fill in details like exclusivity, short-term plans, or even marriage and kids as we get ahead of ourselves. We tell ourselves they’re as “all in” as we are without concrete evidence.
3. Filling in Physical Attraction
Sometimes we meet someone we connect with emotionally but aren’t extremely physically attracted to right away. Rather than accepting this potential mismatch, we convince ourselves the attraction will grow over time as we get to know them. We fill in a deeper physical connection that doesn’t naturally exist.
The Perils of Unchecked F.I.B.ing
Why is F.I.B.ing ultimately unhealthy and unwise? A few key reasons:
- It breeds false intimacy. F.I.B.ing creates an illusion of closeness that hasn’t been earned through true vulnerability, openness, and time. This false sense of intimacy short-circuits the real relationship-building process.
- It distorts our perceptions. When we view someone through the lens of our fantasized ideas about them, we can’t see them clearly for who they actually are. Reality is crowded out by our own romantic projections.
- It sets us up for disappointment. When our fantasized version of someone inevitably doesn’t match up with the real, flawed human being in front of us, it’s a recipe for disillusionment and heartbreak. The higher our expectations, the harder the fall.
- It prevents us from making wise choices. If we’re living in a fantasy world about someone, we can’t objectively evaluate their words, behaviors, values, and compatibility. F.I.B.ing impairs our judgment and decision-making.
The thrill of a new relationship is exhilarating, but true romance isn’t built on illusions. Lasting love stems from seeing each other clearly and choosing each other consciously, flaws and all. Fantasy undermines this real foundation.
How to Combat F.I.B.ing
F.I.B.ing is a natural tendency, but we can combat it with mindfulness, rational thinking, and protecting our hearts. Here are 5 tips:
1. Notice When You’re Filling in Gaps
Develop self-awareness around when you engage in wishful thinking about a new partner. Catch yourself when you start romanticizing and make note of the areas where you’re filling in details that haven’t been confirmed.
2. Separate Fact from Fiction
Intentionally divide what you actually know to be true about this person (fact) from what you’re speculating or imagining (fiction). Don’t allow fantasies to cloud facts.
3. Watch for Inconsistencies
If you catch your partner saying or doing something that contradicts the idealized version in your head, take note. Inconsistencies reveal where your perceptions are out of alignment with reality.
4. Ask Direct Questions
Combat ambiguities by asking real questions to understand your partner’s character, values, motives, and vision for the relationship. Evaluate if their words match your fantasy.
5. Pump the Brakes
Intentionally slow down the emotional acceleration of a new relationship by not prematurely assuming exclusivity, future plans, or other intimacies. Allow depth to develop gradually based on demonstrated trust. Protect your heart.
Proceed with Open Eyes
The joy of dating someone new comes from discovering who they really are in each moment – not who we want them to be. With open eyes, we can spot red flags early and also be pleasantly surprised by wonderful quirks we never expected. Reality offers its own magic when we don’t obscure it with fantasy.
It takes courage and discipline to resist the temptations of F.I.B.ing, especially when caught up in the thrill of romance. But clearing the fog of illusion is the only way to build relationships with integrity. We owe it to ourselves and our partners.
Though the heart wants what it wants, wisdom must act as its faithful companion. With self-awareness, truth-seeking, and patience, we can allow caring connections to blossom at an authentic pace.
Fairy tales end at the wedding, but in real life, that’s where the real adventure begins – two imperfect people joining hands and hearts to create something beautiful. This process requires seeing each other clearly from day one.
Yes, he may seem like a Prince Charming now, but resist the urge to fill in too many blanks. Take off those rose-colored glasses, ask the hard questions, and keep your eyes wide open. The reality you discover will be so much sweeter than any fantasy.
