The text message lit up your phone like a bolt of lightning on a clear day – “I’m poly now.” Your stomach dropped. Wait, what? Where did that come from?
Let’s rewind. You and your partner have been happily dating for about 4 months. In the swirling chaos of past relationships, this one felt stable, normal even. You allowed yourself to start dreaming about the future for once. Then BAM – out of nowhere your partner drops this bomb, immediately starts dating your friends, and accuses you of being “controlling” for not being cool with it.
Umm…come again?
Look, I get it. You’re blindsided. Confused. Probably more than a little heartbroken. But take a beat, grab a coffee (you’re gonna need it), and let’s walk through this mess before you make any big decisions.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
First up, your partner’s actions. Let’s break this down:
- They unilaterally decided to open up your previously monogamous relationship without any discussion. Massive red flag.
- They didn’t ask for your consent or input before making this change. Red flag #2.
- They immediately started dating not just anyone, but two of your close friends. Red flag #3, 4 and 5.
- When you expressed you weren’t comfortable with their surprise poly bombshell, they accused you of being “controlling.” Red flag #6.
Now on their own, any one of these things would be concerning. Together? They form a blaring klaxon screaming “Run away!”
Your partner’s behavior reveals a disturbing lack of care or respect for your feelings and needs. A good partner may gently bring up the idea of opening the relationship over time. They don’t just text “lol I’m poly now” and start banging your friends. Not cool.
Beyond the emotional impact, this shows a carelessness about your physical safety too. Did they even think to get STI tested before jumping into bed with others? Unlikely. Which means they willingly put your health at risk. Also very much not cool.
Ultimately, their actions communicate clearly where you stand in their list of priorities. And apparently, it’s somewhere around #276, right below “my desire to sleep with anything that moves regardless of who it hurts.”
Your Friends Aren’t Helping Either
Now about those so-called friends. The fact that they hopped right into this messy situation without seemingly any concern for you is…well…let’s just call it a big yikes.
True friends don’t encourage you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. They have your back. They consider your feelings. At a minimum, they say “Hey, are you really ok with this?” before getting entangled with a new partner of yours days after you all went to brunch together.
Their actions expose an ugliness that makes it hard to keep calling them “friends.” More like “frenemies” with questionable loyalty.
You Have Nothing to Explain or Justify
I want you to breathe and let this sink in: you do NOT need to explain or justify not wanting a poly relationship right now.
Your partner demanding a reason and saying your simple “no” isn’t good enough? Yet another red flag, baby!
You are 100% allowed to say: “Nah, I’m not into this.” If someone truly cares for you, they accept that without pressure or judgment. End of story.
And a side note – the reason you gave for wanting to experience a stable relationship before “leveling up” the complexity makes total sense. You have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t let anyone make you doubt that.
Time for Some Self-Care
Whew, that was a lot. How are you holding up? Take care of yourself right now. You deserve it after having your world rocked.
- Treat yourself to a decadent dessert, bubble bath, trashy movie – anything that nourishes your soul.
- Lean on trusted friends who have proven they genuinely care for you.
- Most importantly, acknowledge you did NOTHING wrong. This mess is not your fault.
You sound like a thoughtful, loyal partner. And you deserve the same in return. Don’t settle for less than you’re worth.
Now What?
Where do you go from here? That’s up to you. But I’ll just say this:
Take all the time you need. You’re not on anyone’s clock but your own.
If you ultimately decide this relationship can’t be salvaged, that’s okay. End it with no guilt or shame.
If you do try to work through this, establish and enforce CLEAR boundaries. If those are not respected (and based on their behavior so far, that seems likely), walk away knowing you gave it your best.
Either path leads to the same destination – prioritizing your happiness and self-worth. There are people out there who will treat you how you deserve. Never forget your worth, even when others do.
The choice is yours. Not your partner’s, not your friends’ – YOURS. Trust your gut, and you’ve got this. Sending you strength during this rocky time!
