Stepping back into the dating world in 2024? It’s like stepping onto a tightrope. The thrill of new connections awaits, yet one misstep could mean a painful fall.
Don’t let anxiety lead you astray. This year, avoid the one blunder that could shatter your chances of finding enduring love.
Embrace the challenge, and remember, it’s not just about avoiding mistakes—it’s about forging meaningful bonds.
Let’s navigate this tightrope together. Welcome to your journey towards love in 2024.
Why We Unintentionally Sabotage Ourselves
When feeling anxious or insecure in the early dating stages, it’s natural to subconsciously slip into playing roles or wearing “masks” as a way to protect ourselves. I call these masks our “favorite weapons” that we wield when nervous to avoid rejection or judgment.
There are two archetypal masks many adopt:
The Impresser
This person tries overly hard to showcase positive traits, accomplishments, intelligence, independence, wit – anything that might make them seem impressive to a potential partner.
Subconsciously, it’s about gaining power and control in the dynamic so you appear “out of their league.” It often backfires by coming across as arrogant, intimidating, or aloof instead of impressing them.
“I keep getting told I seem too impressive or intimidating. People say it doesn’t seem like I would need anyone.”
The Pleaser
In contrast, pleasers try to make themselves as agreeable, unassuming, and likable as possible. They may laugh excessively at the other person’s jokes, fill every momentary silence, speed up their speech to avoid awkward pauses or avoid talking about their own interests/lives to not seem self-centered.
The goal is for their date to be comfortable and happy enough to like them back. But it can come across as insecure people-pleasing or not giving the other person a chance to connect with the real you.
“I ask so many questions about them but they never ask about me! How do I get dates interested in me as a person?”
The Sneaky Side Effect
Both impressing and pleasing are attempts to protect ourselves by being inauthentic versions of ourselves. We construct an elaborate facade for defense rather than bringing our real, vulnerable selves to the table.
Here’s the kicker — you likely won’t even realize you’re doing this! Slipping into these roles happens unintentionally out of self-preservation when feeling nervous or insecure.
Most of us don’t enter dates thinking, “I’m going to be fake and not let this person know the real me.” It stems from subconscious fears about judgment or rejection. We all just want to feel accepted and valued for who we truly are on the inside.
But the ironic effect is that being inauthentic like this makes connecting deeply with someone else nearly impossible…the exact thing we yearn for! This mistake could sabotage your love life in 2024 before it even starts.
Shift Your Focus to Connect, Not Impress
Rather than obsess about impressing someone or being impressive, I invite you to make your core intention simply to connect.
Remind yourself:
- There will always be someone more impressive than you at any one thing. But the connection between the two of you holds uniqueness and magic. That cannot be replicated.
- Connecting starts with being willing to let the real you be seen, flaws and all. The right person will be drawn to what makes you beautifully human.
- You connect by creating intimate “me too” moments where you relate to something vulnerable or imperfect they share. This implicitly gives them permission to take off their mask too.
My advice? Show up authentic, share something real about a challenge you faced or a quirky part of yourself, and see if it draws out similar openness from them.
Be curious about who they are beneath the surface of small talk. Make space for both of you to reveal your inner worlds, not just your polished public personas.
How to Cultivate Real Connection
Here are my top 3 practical tips for going from impressing to genuine connecting on dates:
- Actively listen without thinking ahead to your response.
Don’t just wait for your turn to talk about yourself. If they share that their family moved constantly growing up, don’t start mentally rehearsing how you’ll one-up their story.
Lean in with curiosity about how that experience shaped them rather than making it about you. Were separations from friends challenging? Did it make them really adaptable to new environments? See if you can relate at a deeper emotional level.
Show that you truly heard them by asking thoughtful follow-ups or sharing your own story only once you fully understand their feelings around it. These vulnerability loops breed intimacy.
- Watch for subtle opportunities to create “me too” moments.
Let’s say your date mentions in passing how they had social anxiety growing up. Resist the urge to just breeze by this topic. Lean into creating a connection here!
Share about your own shyness or a time you felt like an outsider among peers. Talk about what helped you become more self-assured over time.
In just a few exchanges, you transformed shallow small talk into mutual understanding. This sparks psychological safety to reveal other hidden parts of yourself without fear of judgment.
- Check your intentions in the conversation.
Catch yourself if you ever notice you’re conversing to impress. Redirect from touting your cool vacations or career accolades to learning what lights them up.
Drop the almost interview-like rapid-fire questions. Instead, ask which passions or hobbies bring them joy then dive deeper into why. Remember, it’s about them feeling accepted, not analyzing if they’re “good enough” for you.
If you find yourself uneasy with silence, don’t panic and fill it out of nervousness. Sit with the pause and use it as a chance to make eye contact, smile warmly, and drink in the moment together rather than rushing to speak. This builds comfort and trust.
Give Yourself Grace as You Get “Back Out There”
Especially if you’re recently divorced or have been single for some time after a breakup, getting back into dating can feel scary and daunting.
It’s perfectly understandable to feel:
- Hesitant putting yourself in emotionally vulnerable situations again
- Insecure if people will still find you attractive
- Intimidated by how much dating seems to have changed
My advice? Forgive yourself ahead of time for any nervousness or missteps. You don’t have to tackle getting out there all at once. Dip your toes back into dating by starting with simple coffee dates where the stakes feel lower.
Give yourself permission to feel rusty or awkward at first. Let go of any timetables or metrics of where you “should” be. This takes the pressure off so you can focus on rediscovering parts of yourself you may have lost touch with in long relationships.
I won’t sugarcoat it – rejection and disappointment will happen sometimes. But when it happens, talk to yourself with compassion as you would a close friend. Remember that one person’s “not a match” is just making space for the right connection to enter your life.
Most importantly, trust that there are kindred spirits seeking someone just like you. But they can only connect with the genuine you beneath any self-protective facade. Have faith that at the right time and place, the right person will see you, embrace you, and love you unconditionally…quirks, flaws, vulnerabilities, wisdom, passions, and all.
