I know how frustrating is when you send a witty and engaging message to your online dating crush, only to be met with silence. But you’re not alone in this struggle.
Research shows that most online dating messages go unanswered, leaving many singles feeling hopeless and rejected. But don’t give up just yet.
There are simple and effective strategies that can boost your response rate and get you more dates.
In this article, I’ll share with you the secrets of starting and maintaining captivating online dating conversations.
Why You Might Not Be Getting Responses
Before we dive into the messaging strategies that get responses, let’s look at some of the reasons your messages may be getting ignored:
Reason 1: Your Primary Photo is Unflattering or Misleading
Your profile photo is the very first thing a match sees when deciding whether to engage with your profile. An unflattering, outdated, or otherwise misleading primary photo can mean getting passed over, even if your message is solid.
The Fix: Use recent photos that show your face clearly and accurately while also capturing your personality. Ask a friend to help you choose the most flattering option to lead with.
Reason 2: You Messaged the Wrong People
Even a perfectly crafted message won’t get a response if you’re not messaging people well-suited to you. Sending generic messages to every match rather than compatible prospects can equal radio silence.
The Fix: Review matches thoroughly before messaging and only engage those with shared interests, values, life goals, etc. Quality over quantity is key.
Reason 3: Your Profile is Lackluster
An intriguing profile goes hand-in-hand with compelling messages. Sparse, cliché, or repetitive profiles don’t provide much for a match to connect with.
The Fix: Flesh out your bio with unique details, quirks, passions, hopes, etc. Let your personality shine through.
Reason 4: Your Messages are Low-Effort
Generic, overly brief, or outright lazy messages won’t motivate recipients to respond. Would a simple “Hey” or “How’s your week?” from a stranger excite you to message back?
The Fix: Put thought and personalization into each message while keeping an easy, conversational tone. More on this later.
How to Craft Messages That Get Responses
Now that we’ve explored why online dating messages go unanswered, let’s get into the meat of how to write ones that get noticed and replied to.
1. Keep it Brief but Personalized
Craft messages that are no more than 3 sentences. Being concise shows confidence and respect for the recipient’s time. But generic messages won’t cut it. Include something specific about their profile to show you read it.
For example: “Hey Jessica! I’m Evan. That photo of you scuba diving in Iceland looks incredible. I’ve always wanted to explore Iceland’s underwater world—what was your favorite part of the experience?”
Short, personalized, and includes an open-ended question.
2. Bring Your Quirky Side
In a sea of generic messages, injecting some friendly quirkiness and humor can help you stand out while also making messaging more fun. Just keep it light—over-the-top goofy can backfire.
For example: “Salutations Liz! Tom here, fellow salsa dance enthusiast. When I’m not indulging in chips and salsa (the food), I love getting my groove on. Maybe we could salsa together sometime if you can keep up with my semi-smooth moves.”
Playful, hints at shared interests, and leaves the door open.
3. Find Quick Common Ground
Identifying something you have in common early, like an interest or experience, helps create an instant rapport and gives your message context. Just keep commonalities organic rather than forced.
For example: “Hi Matt! Katie here. I couldn’t help but notice we both listed downhill skiing as an interest. I’ve been skiing since I could walk but still haven’t mastered the elusive double black diamond. What’s your favorite mountain to shred?”
Friendly, find common ground, ask a question.
4. Close with an Open-Ended Question
Give your match something easy and engaging to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their interests, experiences, or profile to spark conversation.
For example: “Evening Jade! Mark here. Your photos from that cooking class in Paris looked amazing. What dish did you enjoy learning to make the most?”
Short, personalized, and ends with a question about her.
5. Avoid Copy/Paste Messages
While it’s tempting to blast the same generic message to every match, resist! It’s lazy, noticeable, and may be considered spam, earning you a prompt un-match. Treat each person as an individual.
For example: ❌ “Hey beautiful, I really liked your profile. Want to chat?”
This says nothing specific and can be sent to anyone. Too generic.
6. Suggest Meeting Soon If There’s Chemistry
If you already have easy banter going and really hit it off, consider suggesting meeting up for a quick coffee, drink, or ice cream date soon. Locking in dates quickly capitalizes on momentum.
For example: “I have to say, Jessie, we seem to really click over text! Would you want to continue the conversation in person sometime later this week over coffee or a drink? My treat! Let me know :)”
Confident, complementary, suggests low stakes first date.
Tips for Drastically Improving Your Response Rate
While the message strategies above should help, implementing these additional tips can dramatically improve your response rate:
- Send messages consistently. Don’t just message one promising match. Spread out messages to multiple compatible prospects to maximize replies.
- Revamp unflattering profile pics. Lead with your best foot forward. Ask a stylish friend to help pick photos if unsure.
- Show your personality throughout your profile. Give matches plenty of details and conversation starters to connect with.
- Fix grammatical errors. Use proper grammar and spelling throughout your profile. Limit textspeak.
- Try a different dating app. Not all apps have the right user demographic for you. Try a few.
- Enlist a dating profile expert. Sometimes an objective outside eye can identify what you’re missing.
Real-Life Examples of Messages That Work
Seeing real-life examples of online dating messages that get responses can help inspire your own messaging approach.
Here’s an example from my client Jemma:
“How’s it going, Paul! I’m Jemma. 🙂 I have to say, that photo of you pretending to get eaten by a dinosaur is awesome…and I kinda wish I was there doing the same! Definitely brings out the kid in you, though I noticed you also like archeology and ancient history. Old bones are cool and all, but have you ever tried digging for fossils? Let me tell you, nothing beats the thrill of unearthing a T-Rex tooth with your own hands! Anyway, hope to chat more. Say hi to the next dinosaur you see!”
This works because Jemma compliments a silly photo, indicates shared interests in a playful way, and asks an engaging question related to those interests. There’s no way Paul isn’t responding!
And here’s one from my client Todd:
“Morning Amy! Todd here. I really enjoyed reading about your career as a psychologist helping top CEOs—that’s impressive! I worked in finance for years which certainly came with its own stress. What initially sparked your interest in focusing your practice on corporate clients vs other areas of psychology? Have a great rest of your week!”
Todd praises Amy’s accomplishments, indicates a shared background of working in high-pressure fields, and asks a thoughtful question to continue the conversation. Well executed!
And lastly, here’s Elle nailing it:
“How’s it going James! Elle here 🙂 That picture of you kayaking down the rapids looks crazy! I’m impressed…my rule is if I’m getting splashed in the face constantly while paddling, I’m going too fast haha. I do love kayaking though when it’s a bit more peaceful—nothing beats taking in the beauty of nature from the water. What do you enjoy most about paddling? Maybe we could hit the waters together sometime! Have an awesome day.”
Elle makes a witty comment about the kayaking photo, indicates shared interests in a warm way, and suggests meeting up to kayak in a confident but friendly manner. James will undoubtedly be intrigued!
Don’t Sweat the Non-Responders
At the end of the day, not every message will get a response—and that’s okay! Even if you craft thoughtful, personalized messages, you simply won’t be compatible with everyone. Rather than taking non-responses personally, focus your energy on the promising conversations that do unfold.
If you find yourself consistently not getting responses despite the strategies above, here are some constructive ways to move forward:
- Ask a trusted friend to review your profile and messages to get an honest outside perspective on any areas for improvement. We can be blind to how we come across at times.
- Take a break from messaging new matches and focus on responding to your existing conversations. Less can be more.
- Double-check your search filters to confirm your messages are reaching your target demographic. Cast a wide net.
- Don’t make matches feel pressured. Avoid giving off impatient or entitled vibes. Focus on connection.
- Review the profiles of those who do respond to look for any common themes among your successful matches that you can apply to your messaging approach. See what works.
- Patience and persistence pay off. Consistency with personalized messages to well-matched prospects will ultimately get results.
Online dating can certainly be frustrating. But rather than seeing a lack of responses as rejection, reframe it as one step closer to finding the connection you seek. As you incorporate the tips above, you’ll be having engaging online dating conversations and lining up real-life dates in no time.
Now go dazzle them with your messages!
