Imagine you’ve found the perfect guy. He’s charming, handsome, and attentive. He showers you with compliments and makes you laugh. He seems like the one. But how can you be sure he’s not just a player?
Dating is hard enough without having to deal with manipulative men who only want to use you. You deserve a good guy who respects you and wants a genuine connection. But how can you tell them apart?
It’s not always obvious, but some signs can help you spot a player from a mile away. And once you know them, you’ll never fall for their tricks again.
In this article, you’ll learn the difference between a player versus a good guy, and how to avoid wasting your time and heart on the wrong ones.
What is a Player and Why Do They Exist?
A player, in the dating context, refers to someone who purposefully charms and seduces people as a game with little intentions for emotional investment or relationships beyond the physical. For players, dating is like a sport where “winning” means getting their romantic partner into bed.
Players tend to exhibit certain typical behavioral patterns:
- Smooth talking and excessive flattery of their date
- Over-the-top romantic gestures and declarations
- Creating an exciting, adventurous persona
- Pursuing physical intimacy very quickly
- Losing interest once they’ve “won” their target
- Serial dating and constantly pursuing new targets
But why does this type exist? There are a few key motivations:
Ego Validation
The sense of power and validation from being able to continually attract partners feeds into their egos. They enjoy the chase and seek to boost self-esteem through sexual conquests.
Thrills and Excitement
Some players simply thrive on the excitement and thrill of the game. They enjoy strategizing romantic operations that enable them to get whoever they want into bed.
Perceived Social Status
In certain male social circles, being a ladies’ man carries prestige. The more romantic and sexual partners a man has, the higher his social standing within those circles.
Of course, these motivations reflect much more poorly on the player than their targets. However, understanding why they act this way can help in identifying their behavior.
Red Flags to Recognize Players
Players have mastered the art of seducing and enticing romantic partners. But some signs can give them away if you know what to look for.
1. They Come on Strong with Effusive Flattery
Good guys understand that authentic relationships take time to build. Players however will bombard you with effusive flattery and declarations of your attractiveness immediately.
They’ll shower you with exaggerated compliments about your beauty, intelligence, humor, talents, or any other trait they think you want to hear.
It’s always about physical attributes and aspects they know little about, instead of meaningful compliments about deeper qualities gained from knowing you.
2. They Focus on Creating an Exciting, Dangerous Persona
Players know adventure, excitement, and danger are enticing. They craft personas of skydiving one day, racing luxury cars the next, and partying at wild clubs in the evenings.
Whether those personas match reality or not is secondary. What matters is making themselves seem exciting and adventurous. Danger and excitement are emotions they want to be associated with them in your mind.
And it works because nice but predictable guys seem boring in comparison. Predictable may not be a bad thing when it comes to good guys though.
3. Every Date Feels Like a Performance
When with a player, you get the distinct sense they’re always acting and performing rather than being real. Dates feel like elaborate productions designed to impress and seduce.
Real intimacy and vulnerability never come into the picture. It’s always an idealized, exaggerated performance created for your enticement.
This is tiring for you and unsustainable for them long-term. Eventually, real personalities and lives emerge.
4. They Initiate Physical Intimacy Very Quickly
Players don’t care much about emotional connection and work to escalate romantic encounters physically as fast as possible. They’ll make advances and initiate intimate contact very early on, often on the first date.
For players, sex is the relationship. Once they add you to their conquest list, they lose interest and move on to the next target.
However, some players play a longer game, faking emotional investment for months to build trust before making their move.
5. You Feel Objectified Rather Than Appreciated
Interactions with players tend to feel devoid of a deeper connection beyond the physical. Conversations focus heavily on appearance and sex appeal rather than meaningful interests or qualities.
Their compliments objectify rather than make you feel appreciated. You feel more like a trophy they wish to acquire than a whole person with thoughts, goals, and dreams.
This stems from their disinterest in qualities beyond the physical. To them, you’re merely the next conquest.
6. They Mostly Talk About Themselves
Conversations with players inevitably revert back to themselves – how great they are, their adventures & conquests, their philosophies. They want to present an impressive image, not learn about you.
It’s a one-sided dialog where they dominate the conversation. They’re narcissistic and self-focused, heavily invested in themselves versus interested in you.
7. Overly Eager for Commitment After First Date
Some players use false commitments to build trust and emotional investment. Excessive eagerness for titles like “girlfriend” early on contrasts sharply with their detached persona otherwise.
They know committing makes women feel special and accelerates emotional bonding. This false sense of security lowers defenses, allowing their game to progress faster.
But post-seduction, their interest fades instantly along with all the promises made. It was just part of the playbook.
How to Spot a Genuinely Good Guy
Not every man who shows strong interest in you early on is automatically a player. Some good guys just succumb to the anxiety of over-pursuing. How do you spot the good ones?
1. They Ask Questions and Listen
Rather than just talking about themselves, good guys engage in two-way dialogs, asking you questions and listening intently to learn about the real you.
They care about your unique interests, passions, values, and dreams. Conversations feel like mutual exploration rather than a performance.
This stems from genuine interest and appreciation for you as a complete person separate from the physical.
2. They Open Up and Share Vulnerably
A good guy won’t dominate every conversation. He feels comfortable being vulnerable by opening up emotionally and honestly about his life beyond the superficial.
Opening up gradually builds mutual trust and an intimate connection – the foundation for a sincere relationship. Players never open up because there’s no real interest in knowing you back.
3. You Feel Appreciated, Not Just Objectified
The vibe you get from a good guy is that you matter to him as a complete person, not just physically.
His compliments make you feel appreciated for your passions, talents, quirks, goals, and spirit – not just praised for your appearance and sex appeal.
4. They Don’t Over-Pursue Early On
A good guy understands that showers of affection early on can be overwhelming. He gives you space to process your feelings without suffocating you before real intimacy is built.
While he’ll show clear interest and effort, he avoids grand overtures before genuinely knowing you to avoid pressuring you.
5. You Feel Safe and Comfortable
A good guy cares about your boundaries and emotional well-being. When with him, you feel safe, respected, and comfortable being yourself.
Rather than pushing you into anything, he lets intimacy progress naturally while ensuring you’re comfortable with each step.
You don’t feel pressured to be someone you’re not. His interest feels sincere rather than an act of seduction.
6. Their Words and Actions Align
With a good guy, you don’t have to worry about false personas and performances. His real-life actions consistently align with his words.
He doesn’t profess ideals about relationships that his actions then contradict. There’s authenticity in both words and deeds.
If a commitment-phobe claims he’s ready to settle down without evidence in his actions, be wary. But if intent to commit aligns with efforts to grow closer, believe him.
7. They’re Consistent and Reliable
Fake acts fade away eventually, while sincerity and dependability persist. If positive impressions of a guy hold steady across time and experiences, it’s a good sign.
Consistency indicates he’s genuine. Players and pretenders struggle to maintain facades long-term. Their true nature inevitably emerges.
But if the good vibes last from the first date through months of being together, you’ve likely found a good guy worth holding onto.
Don’t Fall for the Players – Seek the Genuine Good Guys
Learning to quickly identify and avoid players is crucial to finding meaningful relationships. The thrills players promise are short-lived, followed inevitably by heartache and hurt when their false personas vanish.
Pay attention less to smooth words or awkward gestures, and more to the emotions beneath them. See past initial roles to find out who’s truly behind the mask.
With insight and openness, you’ll attract someone who resonates with the real you. And that connection will be anything but superficial.
