Falling for two incredible women at the same time can leave any guy feeling confused and conflicted. You find yourself oscillating between the two, sometimes even on an hourly basis.
“Emily makes me laugh like no one else can. But Amanda just gets me in a way no one else does. How do I choose between them?”
This common conundrum has stumped men for centuries. While some might consider exploring polyamorous relationships in such situations, many find themselves needing to make a choice between two partners.
The heart wants what it wants – but how do you know what it truly wants when it’s torn in two directions?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Most people will find themselves in the dreaded “love triangle” at some point in their lives. But there are constructive ways to navigate this without hurting anyone in the process (yourself included).
In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore how to go about choosing between two romantic options in an intentional and ethical manner.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
- Why making the right choice matters
- How to assess your feelings for each woman
- Key factors to consider when deciding
- When to trust your gut
- Handling the situation in an ethical way
- What to do if you’re utterly stuck
- Moving forward with conviction after choosing
Let’s begin our journey of making an informed decision.
Why Making the Right Choice Matters
Being torn between two romantic options may seem like a “good problem to have.” But there’s a lot more at stake in this decision than you may realize.
Choosing the right partner can lead to a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment. Choosing poorly can mean years of regret, frustration, and even heartbreak if the relationship eventually ends.
- Long-Term Emotional Consequences
The woman you end up with long-term will inevitably shape your future emotional landscape. Studies show married people experience greater levels of life satisfaction and general well-being.
But marry the wrong person, and you could be signing yourself up for a lifetime of regret and relationship dissatisfaction. This discontent can slowly corrode your spirit and undermine your overall mental health.
When evaluating your options, imagine waking up next to each woman 30 years from now. How does each scenario make you feel on a gut level? Go with the one that aligns with your intuition.
- Impact on Personal Growth
The woman you share your journey with influences the man you eventually become. An unsupportive or toxic partner can stunt your personal development. But the right partner uplifts and inspires you.
Neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Amen’s research using brain scans shows relationship quality significantly impacts overall brain health. Poor relationships exhibit lower activity in areas related to motivation and goal-achievement.
When choosing a life mate, consider who would empower you to actualize your full potential vs who may subtly diminish your ambition over decades.
- Shaping Your Social Landscape
The woman you end up with long-term doesn’t just become your life partner – she also becomes part of your social circle.
Ask yourself: Whose friends and family do you naturally click with? Who would you be excited to spend holidays and major life events with? Chemistry with your partner’s inner circle matters.
Also consider values. Does one woman’s family hold political or social values that clash with your own? This could become problematic down the road.
[Choosing wisely is crucial, as destructive relationships can have serious negative impacts on your well-being and personal growth.]
How to Assess Your Feelings for Each Girl
Now let’s talk about how to evaluate your feelings for each woman deeply. The key is moving beyond surface-level infatuation and identifying genuine compatibility.
- Recognizing Infatuation vs. Real Love
New relationships are fueled by dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical linked to excitement and passion. In the early stages, it can be difficult to decipher fleeting infatuation from real, lasting love.
Here are signs you may be infatuated rather than genuinely in love:
- The relationship is primarily physical. Emotional and mental connection is lacking.
- You put her on a pedestal, failing to notice flaws. Infatuation = idealization.
- You’re obsessed with the excitement rather than the substance of the relationship.
- You cannot realistically see a future together beyond the short-term.
True love is marked by:
- Emotional intimacy and understanding that goes beyond physical chemistry.
- Seeing each other’s flaws but accepting them.
- A feeling of “home” when you’re together, beyond just excitement.
- Ability to realistically imagine a shared future.
Give it time. Infatuation fades, but real love grows stronger. Pay attention to which direction your feelings trend over the first 6-12 months.
- Evaluating Genuine Compatibility
Once you determine that what you feel is love rather than just infatuation, the next step is evaluating long-term compatibility. Consider:
Shared values: Do you see eye-to-eye on important big picture things like spirituality, politics, family, and service? Misaligned core values often lead to marital instability down the road.
Communication styles: Can you have meaningful conversations beyond small talk? Do you feel “heard” by each other? Research shows poor communication is the #1 reason couples split up.
Conflict resolution: All couples argue. What matters more is how gracefully you recover. Do this woman’s presence and emotional intelligence help de-escalate conflicts? Or does she tend to perpetuate them?
Interests and social style: While opposites attract, some shared interests and compatible social styles make day-to-day life easier. Consider things like introvert vs extrovert energy levels.
Sexual chemistry: This one often fades over time. But you want to start out with a baseline romantic connection. Make sure you’re physically drawn to each other before committing long-term.
What to Consider When Choosing Between Two Girls
Once you’ve done a deep dive into how you feel, it’s time to widen the lens. You also need to evaluate who aligns better in terms of practical life factors.
Communication Style & Emotional Connection
Open communication and emotional understanding are pillars of a lasting relationship. Consider:
- Can you be vulnerable and express your full range of emotions with each woman?
- Does she validate your feelings when you’re struggling rather than criticize or “fix” you?
- Do you feel safe being emotionally intimate with her, exposing your soft underbelly without fear of being judged?
Also pay attention to physical cues. Do her hug, her voice, and simply her presence soothe or stress you? Gut feelings matter.
Future Goals & Life Plans
The woman you choose becomes your life partner in every sense. You need to make sure your visions for the future cohere. Consider:
Career: Do her professional ambitions support or conflict with your goals? Geographic location factors in here.
Family: Do you both want children? If so, do you agree on how many? How do your parenting styles compare?
Lifestyle: What does your ideal shared lifestyle look like in terms of where/how you want to live? City vs suburbs? Travel priorities?
Finances: Do you share similar attitudes toward money, spending, and financial planning? This one causes major marital conflicts if not aligned.
Of course, life often veers in unexpected directions. But discussing your hopes and dreams can reveal major gaps in worldviews.
Interests & Social Life
Shared interests and compatible social lives aren’t absolutely essential. But they certainly help enrich your bond and provide a foundation. Consider:
Hobbies & leisure: Do you enjoy partaking in some activities together? Or do you have totally separate recreational lives? Having a few shared passions makes life more fun.
Social style: Do you both feel comfortable in each other’s friendship groups? Are you both more introverted homebodies or extroverted social butterflies? Compatibility helps.
Cultural interests: Do you enjoy each other’s taste in music, TV shows, books, and other cultural stimuli? Not required but can be a nice bonus.
Travel: Do you share a passion for exploration? Do your ideal vacation styles mesh or clash? Small differences like “beach” vs “adventure” matter less than big ones like “travel” vs “homebody.”
When to Trust Your Gut Instinct
So far we’ve focused on logical analysis. But at pivotal moments, it’s important to check in with your intuition.
Your rational mind thinks in facts, but your gut instinct operates on subtle feelings you can’t always consciously articulate. When logic fails you, listen to your heart.
Reading Your Gut Feelings and Intuition
Pay attention to the following signals from your subconscious:
- Bodily cues when you’re with each woman. Does your heart race or stomach knot up? Or do you feel calm and comfortable?
- Intuitions about compatibility when you visualize future scenarios. Go with visions that feel right.
- A sense of overall rightness. If faced with an ultimatum, whom would you choose in the heat of the moment?
Additionally, notice whom your closest friends and family favor. They can often read your chemistry better than you can.
Balancing Logic and Emotion
In analyzing your options, blend facts with feelings:
- Make a list of pros and cons for each woman. Consider practical factors.
- Next to each item, write your emotional reaction to it. Does your instinct agree with the logical analysis?
- Visualize your life with each woman in five years. How do the visions feel?
- Discuss your reflections with a trusted confidant. But only you know your heart.
Logic and emotions should support the same choice. When they don’t, give more weight to your intuition.
How to Handle the Situation Ethically
As you wrestle with this decision, it’s essential to handle the situation in an ethical manner. Follow the “Golden Rule” – treat both women as you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes.
Being Transparent About Your Feelings
It’s understandable to not have clarity on such a major decision right away. But once you realize you have feelings for two women, let both of them know rather than keeping the triangle a secret.
- Be honest that you have affection for both, but need time to sort out the intensity of your feelings.
- Make it clear that continuing to date both simultaneously is not an option (nor should it be).
- Set expectations that you will make a definitive decision within a reasonable timeframe (say 6 weeks).
Keeping one in the dark while continuing to see the other is not ethical. Be forthright to avoid leading anyone on.
Avoiding Mind Games
While wrestling with your choice, behave consistently with both women:
- Don’t try to provoke jealousy by flaunting your time with the other.
- Don’t use family events or holidays to “test drive” one relationship. Attend together or solo.
- If you sense yourself leaning strongly toward one, break it off gently with the other before deepening emotional intimacy further.
The goal is to minimize pain. Draw clear boundaries while you figure out whom you can’t live without.
What to Do If You’re Utterly Stuck
Sometimes, try as we might, the heart won’t make up its mind. You feel paralyzed, unable to definitively commit to either option. This state of ambiguity can linger for months or even years.
If sincere efforts to choose continue leaving you stuck:
Take space from both women. Let them know you need time apart to gain clarity. Set a timeline for revisiting the decision, such as 3-6 months.
Focus on personal growth. Immerse yourself in activities, hobbies, and social circles unrelated to the relationships. Regain your sense of identity.
Get an outside perspective. Talk to a therapist or impartial confidant. But remember, no one else can choose for you.
Consider if now is the right time. Perhaps you are not ready to commit fully to one person. And that is perfectly okay. Your romantic life does not need to follow a rigid timeline.
If after taking space and looking inward, you still cannot decide between the two, remember this: not choosing is also a valid choice.
Moving Forward with Conviction After Choosing
Once you make your decision, embrace it fully without second-guessing. Commit to making your relationship thrive rather than wondered “what if” with the other woman.
Communicating Your Decision Gently but Firmly
Once you make your choice, let both women know promptly to avoid prolonging the ambiguity.
- Thank the woman you are moving forward with for her patience during this process. Affirm your commitment to her.
- With the other woman, empathize with her feelings but make the breakup definitive rather than dangling hope you may change your mind later.
[If you’re unsure how to approach this difficult conversation, our guide on how to break up with a lover offers helpful tips and strategies.]
A clean break allows everyone involved to move forward.
Handling Any Lingering Doubts
Some self-questioning after a big decision is normal. Combat doubts by:
- Reviewing your logical reasons for choosing this relationship. Does your head still align with your heart?
- When doubts creep in, deliberately redirect your focus to positive aspects of your current relationship.
- Limit “what if” and “grass is greener” thoughts about the other woman. They serve no purpose.
- Talk to a counselor if regrets continue haunting you, causing distress or resentment in your relationship.
The heart may wonder “what if” even when you made the best choice. Acknowledge these thoughts, then let them go. What matters is your commitment to making it work from here on out.
In Closing
When you find yourself torn between two loves, it’s tempting to think there’s a “perfect” soulmate out there waiting.
But in reality, our toughest choices rarely have 100% clearly “right” or “wrong” options. Both women likely have wonderful qualities.
Therein lies the agony of choice. As the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are.
While factors like shared values and life plans are important, the decision ultimately comes down to a gut feeling of “knowing” when you’ve met your match.
Trust your instincts, treat others with compassion, and have faith that the struggle of choosing now will lead you to abiding happiness in the end.
