Do you find yourself pushing away the people you love, even when you don’t want to? You might have an avoidant attachment style – a pattern of relating to others that stems from your early experiences of attachment.
Avoidant attachment is one of the four main types of attachment styles, along with anxious, secure, and disorganized. It affects how you perceive and respond to intimacy, closeness, and vulnerability in your relationships.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to form and sustain meaningful bonds with others.
But don’t worry, there is hope. With some self-awareness and a willingness to change, you can overcome your avoidant tendencies and enjoy more fulfilling relationships.
In this article, we will show you 7 signs that you have an avoidant attachment style, and how you can overcome it.
1. Being Too Picky and Judgmental
Those with avoidant attachment often hold impossibly high standards for potential partners. They are hyper-focused on minor flaws and quick to dismiss others as not “good enough.” This leads to perpetual dissatisfaction, as no real human can measure up to the avoidant’s idealized image of what love “should” look like.
Overcome it: Challenge yourself to be more open-minded. Recognize that your unrealistic expectations are likely rooted in fear rather than wise discernment. Give people a chance before writing them off. Focus on the positive qualities you appreciate in a partner rather than looking for imperfections.
2. Taking Offense Easily
Avoidants may be quick to take offense or feel slighted by a potential partner’s innocent comment or action. Their sensitivity comes from fear of being hurt or rejected. They project negative motives onto others as a defensive strategy.
Overcome it: When something rubs you the wrong way, take a breath before reacting. Consider whether you may be reading too much into the situation. Give the person the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. See if they intended harm or if it was an innocent mistake.
3. An Abundance of Rules About Dating
From arbitrary timelines about when to take certain steps to firm restrictions on behaviors, avoidants often have strict rules about relationships. This rigidity aims to provide a sense of control but limits their ability to freely connect.
Overcome it: Recognize that your rules are likely mechanisms to keep intimacy at bay rather than objective truths. Challenge yourself to loosen their grip, get comfortable with uncertainty, and make space for spontaneity.
4. A “One Strike and You’re Out” Mentality
Avoidants frequently disqualify prospective partners after one minor annoyance or disappointing interaction. This unwillingness to accept imperfections or give the benefit of the doubt prevents emotional intimacy from developing.
Overcome it: Not every annoyance warrants ending something promising. Distinguish dealbreakers from workable issues. Communicate when someone bothers you rather than just writing them off. If it happens again, reassess then.
5. Proceeding with Excessive Caution
While emotional protection is wise, avoidants often focus so much on protecting themselves that they miss opportunities to genuinely connect. Taking minor steps forward followed by giant leaps backward is a common pattern.
Overcome it: Make yourself vulnerable in measured doses. Share a little more personally each time you interact. You can pull back if needed but momentum creates breakthroughs. Forward motion, even in small increments, builds trust over time.
6. Perpetually Waiting Until You’re “Ready”
Avoidants may talk themselves in circles about why now is not the right time to put themselves out there romantically. They wait for the perfect conditions when they’ll feel fully prepared and safe. This indefinite delay stems from fear rather than logic.
Overcome it: Accept that you’ll never feel 100% ready. Start dating based on where you are now, flaws and all. Tolerate uncertainty and discomfort, knowing you’ll rise to meet the challenges. Perfect timing is an illusion – take action now.
7. Being Too Busy and Overcommitted
Avoidants often fill their lives with activities, citing hectically busy schedules as reasons they cannot date. While valid in doses, this busyness may also be an unconscious strategy to avoid vulnerability. Finding intimacy requires making it a priority.
Overcome it: Take an honest inventory of how you spend your time. Cut back where you can to open up space for cultivating relationships. Get clear on your core values. If love matters, align your schedule accordingly.
Moving Forward With a Secure Attachment
Avoidance in relationships comes from a deep, primal fear – of rejection, unworthiness, engulfment, and loss of self. Yet intimacy requires letting our guard down and connecting authentically. With courage, self-compassion, and taking small steps consistently, the avoidant attachment style can be transformed into a secure foundation for healthy relating.
The key is leaning into discomfort and experimenting with new patterns of emotional expression in digestible doses. Be patient and celebrate small victories. Speak openly about your avoidance challenges with a trusted confidant or mental health professional. Know that you are worthy; love is yours to cultivate by taking the right risks.
When avoidance patterns creep up, remember to:
- See the humanity in others. We all have fears and flaws.
- Communicate your needs compassionately. Ask for what you want.
- Tolerate discomfort for growth. Let your defenses down slowly.
- Keep taking small steps forward. Progress builds trust over time.
- Don’t give up when you stumble. Rededicate yourself to your vision.
With insight, courage, and compassion, your avoidant patterns can transform into secure, fulfilling relationships. You deserve love – allow yourself to experience its transforming power.
